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THE REV REVIEWS: The Ties That Bind (5.18.08)

By Reverend Rogue Six

(Disclaimer: The views expressed in the following are purely those of the columnist.)

Did you ever look out your window and feel that something was coming, but you couldn't put your finger on it?

That's the feeling I got just prior to the start of the show, when former MEWL Heavyweight Champion Chris Kole came storming out to the ring right before the show got started and started shouting to anyone who'd listen that he needed to tell Lones Oaks and everyone else that Justin Diaz was a evil man and that he'd been conspiring to take control of the company from his supposed "best friend" Lones Oaks since the beginning. Okay, it seems that Kole's bought a ticket on the Paranoia Express...

Both Lones and Diaz came out, and I wasn't close enough to hear what was being said, but it seemed to me that they wanted him back in the locker room and back there NOW. I could hear Diaz admonish Kole for acting unprofessional in front of a huge crowd and a WWE Legend to boot; if he had personal business to deal with, then it's better they discuss it in the back. After a few moments, Kole agreed to take his alleged problems to the back, and the show got underway.

In the opening match, Angel Dust defeated Jessicka Havok, who fairly dominated the match, by DQ. Why the DQ? Like always, where you find Jessicka, you'll find Jebediah --who came to the ring to get a few shots in on Angel and got Havok DQ'd. (You'd think by now they'd get the idea, but hey, who knows?)

Bane made his debut in MEWL and annihilated Shawn Blaze. I've seen Bane before, and his speed and agility are astounding for a man who's built like -- well, there aren't adequate words to describe Bane, Bane is one of those wrestlers who you have to experience. Shawn Blaze's (no, not Jazin Blaze) fate was sealed when he came out to the ring. Welcome to MEWL, Bane!

Supa Lucha retained his Cruiserweight Title by getting a close win over Johnny Gun. It was refreshing to see both men showing great respect for each other through the match. In the end, Lucha got Gun to tap out to an inverted STF (I have to admit, I'd never seen that move done before...

Deven Michaels came to the ring to present WWE Legend Jake "The Snake" Roberts with a Lifetime Achievement Award. [Confession: I have to admit right here, and I do so quite freely, that when Jake came to the ring, I marked out like an idiot. I feel so much better for getting that off my chest.] Jake apparently had a big announcement this night. When he said he was returning to wrestling full time and was excited about getting back to work, Deven apparently became confused - seems he thought Jake was going to retire. He even looked at Jake and said that he SHOULD retire.

Oh lord -- Deven woke up this morning and put "do something stupid -- insult my mentor" on his "To Do" list...we would soon see a Teacher vs. Student match later this night.

It was time for the 4 Corners Elimination Match, and out comes the Redneck Wonder, Wilbur Whitlock -- who doesn't have a partner. Then Durty the Clown comes out... without his partner...which was supposed to be... Otis? Durty went back to get Otis, but he didn't want come out. Durty finally got him through the curtain, and he's clutching a blanket.(What?) Durty ripped off the blanket to reveal that he had his arm in a sling. Otis was trying to hide the injury. (Awww...) Durty asks him who did it, and before Otis can point out that it was Wilbur, Wilbur grabs Durty and offers to be his partner for the 4 Corners Tag Match.(Why am I not surprised?)

The teams of Justin Diaz & Mike Hercum and Chris Kole & Luis Diamante make their way to the ring, but wait a sec -- there's only three teams? Diaz tells the announcer to call for any other tag team in the back that wants a shot. Out comes the team of Jazin Blaze & Eric Ryan. What followed was a very fast paced match -- one of those "if-you-blink-you'll-miss-it" kind of matches. At one point Kole dragged Durty to each corner and everyone takes a shot at him -- even Wilbur belts him when he gets to his own corner (Wilbur Whitlock, setting new levels of stupid...) Kole managed to re-injure Jazin's shoulder, stomping on it relentlessly; Eric Ryan had the presence of mind to throw in the towel to avoid serious injury to his partner. Diaz rushed in to roll up Kole to eliminate his team, so now it's down to Wilbur/Durty and Diaz/Hercum for the titles. Hercum and Diaz kept control of the match, until Wilbur pulled a cheap shot and took down Hercum. Just as Wilbur got ready to finish Hercum off, Durty tagged himself in and climbed the rope for his flying headbutt. Hercum moved - and Durty eats canvas!. Diaz tried to get the tag from Hercum, and just before he could get it, Kole and Diamante came out and pulled Diaz off the ring, then started stomping on his hand on the concrete floor. (I don't care who you are, that had to hurt!) Back in the ring, Wilbur tagged back in and hit Hercum for the finish and the win!

Durty the Clown and Wilbur Whitlock, MEWL Tag Team Champions...sweet cream on an ice cream sandwich...didn't see that one coming. (But we can tell who the brains of this outfit's going to be, can't we folks?)

Brandon X was scheduled to put his North American Title on the line...but against who? It turned out that Brandon's opponent for the night was Kamala Jr. Brandon X had a few problems with Kamala Jr.'s size, but he managed to put a Crucifix Pin on the monster. Kamala then beat down Brandon X and hits a BIG splash on him from the top turnbuckle. I'll tell you -- he hit that splash, and I even felt it!

Jebediah came to the ring to challenge the new Heavyweight Champion, Robby Starr, who was clearly the fan favorite. Jebediah stayed true to form with some dirty tricks, but Robby kept on coming back. At one point, Jessicka came out to the ring and got on the apron, only to be grabbed by Starr. Jebediah rushed Starr, who moved at just the right moment -- and Jebediah took out Havok!

(On this move alone, I'm giving Robby Starr my "OLE! of the Night" Award -- that was priceless!)

Further on in the match, Starr had Jebediah pinned in the corner and called for the 10-punch count. As he hit #9, Havok climbed back up, but Robby planted #10 on her for her troubles! The crowd went nuts! But you can't keep an Evil Amish Warrior down... a cheap shot later, and Jebediah got Starr on his shoulders. As he spun around, Starr's legs hit the referee in the head and knocked him out. Starr fought out of the move, nailed Jebediah with the "Starrstruck" and then went to the top for his "Starrsault". There's a WE NEED A REF! chant from the crowd; out came MEWL Owner Justin Diaz from the back. He slid in to make the count, but --oh crap -- he slammed his injured hand on the mat and screamed in pain. ( I winced in spite of myself; god, that HAD to hurt!) Diaz can't make the count and grabbed the paramedic. Yes, those fingers have got to be broken.

Havok came in the ring and Robby took her out again, but was hit by Jebediah with his miniature shovel. The ref came to just enough to make the 3-count and award the match -- and the Heavyweight title -- to Jebediah! Apparently winning the title wasn't enough for Jebediah and Havok (MEWL's answer to Bonnie and Clyde, as far as I'm concerned now) started a post-match beating on Robby; they strung his arm in a chair and started hitting the chair with a shovel, managing to possibly break his arm; Diaz came back to the ring with a chair to chase off Havok and Jebediah.

I can't say for certain if Robby's arm is broken or not, but as they took Starr to the back, his arm was at an angle that I know an arm isn't supposed to go...I'm told Starr will be out 2-3 months with an injury. I wish Starr a speedy recovery.

Whew...after all that, and we still have the main event to go!!

Deven Michaels and Jake Roberts' match begins. I've got to say that Jake looked really good tonight, moving around the ring like the Jake I used to watch years ago. It was an excellent, well-paced match. Near the end, Michaels caught Jake in the groin with a knee lift and dropped him in pain. Both men got to their feet; Micheals hits a DDT on Jake. But instead of a pin attempt, Micheals went for his own pet snake. While Michaels was trying to get his snake out, Jake reminded everyone why he was known as the master of the DDT, nailing Michaels with one of his own. A 3 count for Jake..and out comes the snake. It took Security and other staff members coming to the ring to get the snake from around Michaels' head.

All in all, it was a great show with non-stop action and a fantastic crowd that went home happy -- and hoarse. I'll tell you this, my throat is still sore from cheering...

Until next time, I'm the Reverend Rogue Six, and I'll see you at ringside!