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THE REV REVIEWS: MEWL'S "SEVER" (8.27.07)

By Reverend Rogue Six

(Disclaimer: The views expressed in the following are purely those of the columnist.)

Jessica Havok vs. The Rootin' Tootin' Buckaroo

Now, I've seen Jessica's name spelled about 3 or 4 different ways, and since I don't know what the current version is, I'm going traditional...as for the Buckaroo in question, I'm not sure which one he was, so I'm just going to refer to him as RTB...nice to see that Jessica's still shopping at Hot Topic for her outfits; at least she doesn't look like a Goth barmaid anymore...from the opening of the match, I didn't know if I was watching a wrestling match or a square dance -- then the RTB slapped Jessica, and my question was answered...I couldn't help but notice there were an inordinate amount of headlocks, more then I've usually seen in a match.

WINNER: Jessica Havok

"Killer" Chris Kole vs. Eric Ryan

I've got to ask Kole one question: what the blue hell did this kid do to piss you off? Great day in the blessed AM, you beat on him like he stole something! Now, before you think this was a squash, it wasn't -- Ryan came across with some decent offensive moves, including a off-the-top-rope suicide dive I found quite impressive as well as a shooting star press that Kole managed to somehow deflect at the last second...but this was Kole's match all the way. When he started yelling "C'mon Shane!" and "This one's for you Shane!", this told me that there were some issues still there in the wake of the disbanding of his team with Shane Sensation and Jazin Blaze...Kole finished Ryan off for the 3-count, but when he couldn't stop beating on him after the bell, Earl Robinson had no choice but to reverse his decision and award the match to Eric.

This match gets my Most Physically Violent Match of the Night Award...lord, it just hurt to watch.

WINNER BY REFEREE'S DECISION: Eric Ryan

Johnny Gun vs Justin Diaz

When Johnny Gun first came out, I thought "Good Lord, Scotty Sabre's dropped 30 pounds..." Then when I heard Justin Diaz announced, I thought "Okay now, this is going to be fun..." -- and I was right. Gun had no idea how to react when Justin got ahold of him and started having his own fun...and when they broke the clinch, I heard Justin tell him "Okay, okay, we'll do it for real..." other people heard that, and one said "oh, that can't be good...for Gun..." Gun was a little too choke-happy for my tastes, and also spent too much time strutting about the ring. He paid for his cockiness when Diaz rolled him up with a handful of tights for the win.

All in all, a decent match. From what I've heard about Gun, he has a lot to learn yet, and he got a proper lesson this night.

WINNER: Justin Diaz

Wilbur Whitlock vs. Luis Diamante

(Now, some of you may be thinking "Rev, c'mon...can you be objective about one of Wilbur's matches?" Of course I can! Wilbur and I have had our differences, but when it comes to writing reviews, I am the epitome of objectivity. I just call 'em as I see 'em, regardless.) So Wilbur enters the ring to one of my metal songs -- the Scorpions' "The Zoo"...I'd forgotten that. Nice to see he's got some taste...if not in clothes, at least in music...he made the mistake of yelling at an older gentleman in the audience at one point -- who drew a bigger pop when he yelled back at Wilbur...this was a decent match as well, although Diamante did toss Wilbur about like a ragdoll for several minutes...but in the end, it was Wilbur with a low blow and a Black River Driver for the win.

WINNER: Wilbur Whitlock

MEWL Cruiserweight Champion Jazin Blaze vs "Mega-Star" Marion Fontaine

This was a match that you dared not blink during, otherwise you'd miss something -- which made writing this review difficult...it could have also used an air traffic controller at times...Jazin, I have to say, was coming off like the 2nd coming of Rey Mysterio with his speed and agility -- Fontaine did his best to keep up, but tonight was the Champ's night.

I'm going to give this match the Joey Styles "OH MY GOD" Award of the night, and even go so far as to dub Jazin Blaze MEWL's resident "Innovator of Offense" for his inventive moves, moves that left me going "What the hell was that?"

WINNER: Jazin Blaze

B.E.T vs. MEWL Heavyweight Champion "The Upgrade" Tyrone Evans and Mike Hercum

From some of the talk I could see in the ring, the friction between Evans and BET was stil unsettled...I was impressed by one move Evans pulled off early; it can ony be described as a reversed powerslam -- it started forward, but stopped in mid-move and finished by going in reverse in an amazing show of strength...Evans and Hercum made a good team, managing to clean house a couple of times; Hercum even showed me something on his own in the ring...BET demonstrated sound strategy by cutting Hercum off from his corner for several minutes...they even pulled off the Dudleys -- I'm sorry, Team 3-D's "Whassup?" double-team (that really hurt to watch)...Evans and Hercum tried to mount a last-minute comeback, but B.E.T won out in the end.

This was a good, straight-up tag match, bottom-line.

WINNERS: B.E.T

Following this match, the announcer said that the Main Event had been changed from a "Fans bring the Weapons" match to a "Hardcore Ambulance" match...

MAIN EVENT - FOR THE MEWL INTERNATIONAL HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP - HARDCORE AMBULANCE MATCH: Lones Oaks (c) vs. Durty The Clown (with the Time Traveler)

When they backed the ambulance in, I knew this was not going to be a pretty match...and when Durty came out in that dress, I was right...(Durty, oh grease-painted one, you really should consider a solid black dress for evenings, not a print; it doesn't go with your clown white...just a message from some of the ladies in the crowd) The weapons came out early: a can of silly string, a pan, a wall clock, a plastic bag, a tampon, the title belt, a couple of cookie sheets, and a "wet floor" sign (from what I could see)...the two of them fought all over the Armory...with the Time Traveler's assistance, Lones was pretty much fighting a handicap match, but he held his own...Lones got under the ring and brought out a table, which he set up...and after a couple of stiff rights, dropped Durty through. The EMTs were fairly active in this match, but ended up carting Durty off in the ambulance, much to the Time Traveler's cries of dismay.

WINNER AND STILL MEWL HARDCORE CHAMPION: Lones Oaks

That's my review of the show...and until the next time, as always, I remain --

Reverend Rogue Six