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THE REV REVIEWS: MEWL'S "SEPT2DISMEMBER" (9.10.07)

By Reverend Rogue Six

(Disclaimer: The views expressed in the following are purely those of the columnist.)

The "Student vs. Teacher" saga between Christian Vaughn and rookie Johnny Gun rose to another level this night when Gun came out to the ring and said he wanted to pay tribute to one of his favorite wrestlers, "Ravishing" Rick Rude, by giving a lucky lady a chance to get a kiss from him. At this point, I started to think I was having an 80's flashback (must've been the nachos), because this was sounding and looking awfully familiar...and when he set his sights on a young lady that turned out to be Christian Vaughn's fiancee, I was right. This tableau had been played out before...I'll leave it to you to figure out where, but Ive already given you a hint...

But I will say this -- if looks could kill, Gun would have been a small pile of ashes right then and there by Vaughn's gaze as he came to his fiancee's aid.

To quote Jack Nicholson from Batman, "Never rub another man's rhubarb!"

Johnny was very likely going to learn that lesson later in the evening...the hard way.

And then came the first match:

LONES OAKS VS JASON CAIN

There's one word I can use to describe this match (which was Jason's debut), and that word would be: BRUTAL.

The way Lones worked Jason over, I thought maybe he was having flashbacks from his "Hardcore Ambulance" match with Durty at Sever. But, I believe in giving credit where it's due, and to young Mr. Cain's credit, he did not go gently into that good night, no, he did not.

He did manage to score the first pinfall attempt, and also kicked out of several Lones pin attempts. But this was not Jason's night, as he ended his debut match by tapping out to a well-applied Lones Crossface submission hold.

I would be remiss if I failed to mention that it was a welcome surprise to see referee Dave Rogers back in a MEWL ring. Welcome back!

This match gets my Jim Ross "Gov'mint Mule" award -- for the beating Lones Oaks administered in the ring this night.

Welcome to MEWL, Jason Cain...hope you survive the experience.

WINNER: Lones Oaks by submission

Out to the ring came a great mass of humanity by the name of Sherman Tank. Now, I've not had the pleasure of seeing this gentleman before, but from his name alone, I'd have to guess he would be a formidable opponent...to, oh, say, a Mack Truck...

It seems Tank had something on his mind, and it had to do with his winning a Luck of the Draw match at a previous card (I was not at this show, so forgive my lack of knowledge on this). This win apparently gave him the right to challenge for any MEWL title at any given time.

He wondered if he should try for the Cruiserweight belt at first, then decided to set his sights higher -- the MEWL Heavyweight Championship, held by "The Upgrade" Tyrone Evans...who happened to be in the building tonight...Tank hoped someone in the back could make this happen...

TRIPLE THREAT: ROGUE VS. MIKE HERCUM VS. ROOTIN' TOOTIN' BUCKAROO

Before I begin, a disclaimer: the Rogue in this match is NO relation to yours truly...but I couldn't help but notice this guy did bear a striking resemblance to a Brian Bagwell...coincidence? Who knows?

As the match intros were given, the RTB asked that a special intro be read -- and since it took the announcer almost 45 seconds to read it, I'm not going to try to transcribe it here.

(A quick question to the RTB: You said you're undefeated...if that's true, then was that your brother I saw getting manhandled by Jessica Havok at "Sever"?)

This was a good and well-paced matchup that was out of the ring as much as it was in. Rogue and the RTB had some choice moments, but this match was dominated by Mike Hercum, who laid out the RTB for the win. I was impressed by Hercum when he teamed with Tyrone Evans at Sever, and he impressed me even more tonight.

WINNER: Mike Hercum

Dave Rogers was replaced by Earl Robinson for the next match -- and is it me, or is Earl's goatee getting longer?

KANO VS. SUPA LUCHA

I must confess here that I've been a fan of Lucha's for awhile, and it was good to see him in action.

As for Kano, I've got to ask: I couldn't help but notice the tassels on your boots -- does Shane Douglas know a pair of his boots are missing?

The first few minutes of this match were spent trying to get Kano to stay in the bloody ring! After nearly being counted out twice, Kano finally decided to stay in, and the match got going.

This was one of those "blink and you miss it" matches (which makes reviewing very hard to do, but you know me, I do my best...) with Lucha providing excellent offense at the start, but Kano was no slouch either, matching Lucha in offense of his own for several moments. Lucha managed to rally back one more time, but a mis-timed move allowed Kano to nail him with a Gory Special for the win.

WINNER: Kano

At this point came an intermission, which allowed me to stretch my legs and get something to drink.

When things started up again, down to the ring came MEWL's resident redneck wonder (and my former verbal punching bag), Wilbur Whitlock.

Carrying a steel chair, he climbed into the ring. Apparently Wilbur had something to get off his chest; it seemed that he was a little miffed over not getting a rematch for the North American championship he'd lost in a steel cage match, and he was even more perturbed that he was getting passed over for title shots, shots he rightfully deserved!

He unfolded the chair and sat down, claiming he wasn't leaving the ring till someone gave him a title shot.

Poor Wilbur...he never saw it coming...

"It's Raining Men" began to play, and down to the ring came MEWL's Rainbow Warrior, Justin Diaz!

From the "oh crap" look on his face, I'm pretty sure Wilbur wasn't counting on this happening. In fact, I'd bank on it.

Diaz began to play "Dr. Phil" and admonished Wilbur about his crybaby attitude; Diaz reminded Wilbur that he'd lost the Heavyweght title, and he didn't cry and whine about it, he moved on! Wilbur needed to do the same.

The more this went on, the more agitated Wilbur got -- and Diaz saw this. He reminded Wilbur that "there's no crying in wrestling", and if Wilbur wanted a teddy bear to cry on, why, Justin was more then happy to be his teddy bear!

He even had a ref on standby if Wilbur wanted to work his aggressions out in the ring...evidently he did...

JUSTIN DIAZ VS. WILBUR WHITLOCK

This started off with a great sequence of moves that ended with Wilbur taking a header outside the ring. As Wilbur paced back and forth, Diaz snuck up behind him and began to give him a shoulder rub to relax him. When Wilbur discovered who it was, a chase broke out -- around the ring, into the ring, around the ref -- then Diaz stopped in mid-run and bent over...and Wilbur couldn't stop in time, giving everyone the photo op of the night: Wilbur "rear-ending" Justin!

(DAMN! And me without my camera!!)

I'm telling you, I haven't laughed that hard at a match in ages...I laughed so hard, apparently I missed the 2nd photo op of the night -- Wilbur getting a kiss from Justin!

Wilbur managed to nail Justin with a wicked Hot Shot on the ropes (shades of Eddie Gilbert) that left many in the crowd wincing, but Diaz rallied back. The two stood in the ring and went toe-to-toe, throwing punches like mad, until Diaz caight Wilbur's arm and leveled him with a Side Effect out of nowhere!

Wilbur's frustrations got the best of him, and he rolled out of the ring, stalking off for the back, but not befor he took a mic and told Justin "you're not worth my time..."

All in all, this was an excellent match.

I'd have liked to see a finish to it, though...

WINNER: Justin Diaz by countout


For making me laugh so hard, this match gets my Larry the Cable Guy "I Don't Care Who You Are, That's Funny" award of the night.

It was time once again to change referees, and out came -- oh joy, it's "the Dark Lord of the Tool", Logan Scott...

2-ON-1 HANDICAP MATCH: JAZIN BLAZE vs CHRIS KOLE & JESSICA HAVOK

This was slated to be a tag team match, with Shane Sensation as Jazin's tag partner, but Shane was a little conspicuous by his absence...so Jazin chose to fight alone, much to his opponents' delight.

This was not going to be pretty...

Jazin started his attack about two seconds after the bell, but the numbers were not in his favor tonight...although he had several great moments -- my favorite was his avoiding a double-team assault that left Kole double-punching Jessica in the chest and Jessica place-kicking Kole in his package (and every guy in the place winced). Blaze also caught the duo with a devastating over-the-top-rope dive that left them all on the floor.

Jazin fought a very effective match with his speed and agility, but Kole's pure power moves kept Blaze grounded quite a bit. Jessica was a fighting machine as well (see, I told you you could do better, didn't I?).

The end came when Kole got Jessica's belt, coiled it around his fist, and blasted Jazin with it, earning a DQ loss. But this wasn't enough for them, and they proceeded to unleash a savage post-match beating on Blaze that left him barely moving in the ring.

Like I said, this wasn't going to be pretty...and I hate it when I'm right...

To Jazin Blaze, I give my "300" Honorary Spartan Warrior Award for lasting as long as a warrior could against overwhelming odds.

WINNER BY DQ: Jazin Blaze

MEWL NORTH AMERICAN CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: "The Natural" Christian Vaughn (c) vs. Johnny Gun

The champ was accompanied to the ring by his fiancee (sorry, never got her name), and the look in his eyes said one thing -- "I'm gonna kill something...named Johnny Gun".

It made me damn glad I wasn't in the ring...

This match was wrestled on one speed and one speed only: full-on. I was pleased to see that Christian took a page from The Book of Rogue and did unto Gun as Gun did unto him -- only he did unto Gun twice as hard!

If Johnny had fought as much as he bragged, showboated, played to the crowd, and telegraphed moves, he may have been a real threat. But he did have a few moments of glory -- emphasis on the word "few"; he managed to execute a textbook "Rude Awakening" that would have made Rude proud, and hit a nasty elbow drop from the top rope that made the crowd gasp.

At one point, Gun rolled out of the ring, got Christian's belt, and rolled back into the ring, preparing to blast Christian with it. Christian's lady got on the ring apron and momentarily wrestled with Gun for control of the belt; Christian got Gun (who had the belt) from behind, spun him around, and DDT'd him -- on the belt!

Logan made the 3-count, but when he saw the belt in the ring, he reversed the decision and awarded the win by DQ to Johnny Gun!

I give this match my Rogue's Match of the Night Award for its intensity and spirit, and to Logan Scott, the Carlos Mencia "Dee Dee Dee" award.

(Logan, if you want to know why you keep getting called a tool so much, look up the phrase "screwed the pooch" and remember this match...)

WINNER BY DQ: Johnny Gun

MAIN EVENT - MEWL HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: "The Upgrade" Tyrone Evans (c) vs. Sherman Tank

(Just before the match, referee Logan Scott took a moment to let me know via sign language that he thought I was number one with him...and I returned the sentiment with a one-finger blessing of my own...)

The more I looked at Sherman Tank, I must say, he reminded me quite a bit of the late Bam Bam Bigelow...while Tyrone Evans looked like he should have been heading for the Octagon or a PRIDE fighting ring.

Evans managed to hold of Tank with a kickboxing-style offense, even nailing him with a powerful wheel kick. But Tank turned the tables and slowed down the champ's onslaught with sheer power moves.

Tyrone didn't stay down long. The battle continued back and forth, till Tyrone pancaked Logan in the corner (and no, I didn't cheer -- I'm a rogue, not a sadist). Earl Robinson came out to check Logan, as did Evans...which gave Tank a chance to hit Tyrone with a thundering spinebuster. Apparently Earl didn't count fast enough to satisfy Tank, and got decked for it. Tyrone seized the opportunity and nailed Tank with a spear for a 3-count!

WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: "The Upgrade" Tyrone Evans

That's my review...until next time, I remain --

The Reverend Rogue Six