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THE REV REVIEWS: WRESTLING HUNGER (11.10.07)

By Reverend Rogue Six

(Disclaimer: The views expressed in the following are purely those of the columnist.)

Yet another chapter in the ongoing epic saga of MEWL has been written in Alliance, and written in the language of extreme and hardcore action.

This was a night where anything could happen -- and happen they did.

The evening began with Nic Paradise scoring a pinfall win over the Terror from Texas -- of course I speak of the Rootin' Tootin' Buckaroo, who apparently had no real fans in Alliance, judging from the scores of boos and catcalls from the crowd. There's a little matter I have with the Buckaroo still insisting that he's undefeated, yet every time I've seen him in action, he's getting his Stetson handed to him and his shoulders pinned to the mat. Call me crazy, but in my book, that pretty much fits the definition of the term "defeated". Maybe they do things a litle differently in his area of Texas?

The next match saw Logan "Supertool" Scott come out to the ring -- not as the referee, but as one of the wrestlers! As I wondered along with the rest of the crowd what the hell was going on, the announcer explained that while Logan was Hardcore Champion (yeah, really had to take a moment to wrap my brain around that concept), he'd happened to have signed several open contracts that were laying around in the office. Someone, it seems, signed one of them, and now Logan was contractually obligated to be in a match...and it turned out his opponent was none other then Durty the Clown! As the announcer called Durty to the ring, not one or twice but THREE times, the rear door of the armory opened, and in came Durty, who skulked into the ring, and swiftly rolled up Logan from behind for a 3-count! The match in its entirity? About ninety seconds, give or take...fastest I've ever seen. AFTER ONE YEAR, DURTY HAD FINALLY WON A MATCH -- AND GOT TO GET RID OF HIS DRESS! My Christmas came early this year (seeing Logan get pinned)-- and apparently, so did Durty's! Logan, on the hand, could not say the same...

** The Rev's Joey Styles "OH MY GOD!" Award goes to Durty for not only pulling off the greatest upset I've seen in some time, but for finally getting out of that friggin' dress.

Former MEWL Heavyweight Champion Tyrone Evans pinned Eric Ryan in a fast-paced match that was a fine mixture of styles throughout, and ended with an Evans spear that would have left Rhyno going "DAMN!" (all apologies to Ron Simmons for the use of his catchphrase -- but you really had to see that spear) After a show of respect to his opponent, out came Tyrone's former allies and the reason for his title loss - B.E.T. [And then came, as if on cue, the "KFC" chants...]Some words were exchanged, and as they were sizing Tyrone up for a 2-on-1 attack, out came Lones Oaks to the ring to even the odds. Then the trap was sprung: Tyrone clotheslined Lones from behind - and in came BET (now at full strength as a trio once more) for a little 3-on-1 beatdown! Mike Hercum then came to the ring at full-tilt, armed with a chair to even the odds a bit! When the ring was cleared, Hercum took the mic and challenged BET to a tag match -- with the MEWL belts on the line.

Would they accept the challenge? Stay tuned...

Tank plowed through Supa Lucha in a match that just -- to be perfectly honest - hurt to watch. But as I believe in giving credit where it's due, I give Lucha a ton of credit, damn if he did'nt give it everything he had. I kept yelling "LUCHA -- for the love of God, whatever you said to Tank, apologize!" Then I remembered -- Lucha doesn't speak English...and who knew Tank spoke Spanish?

** To Supa Lucha, I give my Timex Watch Award -- you "took a lickin' and kept on tickin'"...that was, till Tank nailed you with that NASTY spinebuster for the pinfall.

Jazin Blaze faced off against Jebediah in the wake of the casket ambush at Wicked. Jazin came straight to the ring amidst a standing ovation from the crowd and tried to mount an early and swift offense -- but this night was not a night to gain any measure of vengeance. Jebediah finished him off with an inverted suplex for the win, then nailed him with his trademark shovel for added damage, knocking him out cold.

** To Jazin, this time I give my Chumbawamba "TubThumpin' " Award, because he gets knocked down, but he gets up again...

It seemed that B.E.T had accepted Hercum's challenge to an MEWL Tag Team title match and came to the ring, with Tyrone bearing the MEWL Tag belts, amdist a sea of "KFC" chants. [NOTE: Can we please come up with another chant for B.E.T.? That "KFC " chant is getting old.] What came next was one of the loudest and fastest matches I'd ever seen (and if BET spent as much time wrestling as they did stalling, trashtalking the crowd, and showboating, the match may have been over in half the time). The balance shifted back and forth several times, and BET even managed to keep Hercum in their corner for a few too many minutes. With the help of Tyrone, a pinfall was scored - but when referee Dave Rogers came to the ring and ordered the match restarted, the tables were turned and soon it was Lones and Mike who became the new MEWL Tag Team Champions!

What do you get when you put four individuals -- Justin Diaz, Wilbur Whitlock, Christian Vaughn, and the newly-crowned MEWL North American Champion, Johnny Gun -- all in a Four Corners Match for the MEWL North American Heavyweight title, each with their own scores to settle? You have a recipe for sheer outright violence and madness, which is what occured in a match that was out of the ring as much as it was in it (and at one highpoint, nearly in my lap!) In the end, thanks to three low blows and a non-existent referee, (I swear that I never thought I'd be saying this, and trust me, it kills me to do so...) it was the Redneck Wonder himself, Wilbur Whitlock, becoming the new MEWL North American Champion after pinning Justin Diaz. After the match, it was apparent that Diaz had something on his mind, and it certainly wasn't congratulating the new champion; he called Wilbur out as a cheat and coward, then challenged Wilbur to a match for the title -- and just to sweeten the deal, made it a no-DQ title-vs-career match! If Diaz couldn't pin Wilbur in a No-DQ matchup, he'd retire outright! This was too good for Wilbur to pass up, and he readily accepted the challenge.

** At this point, I'm going to something I've not done in my reviewing -- I'm giving both this match and the MEWL Tag Team title match my Match of the Night Award. You may be wondering why I'm doing this; I'm telling you, both of these matches deserve it, they were each THAT good.

** I'm also awarding former champion Johnny Gun my Bruce Willis "I hate it when I'm right" award -- Johnny, if you remember my message to you in my last review, you can't say I didn't warn you.

The audience was visibly spent after that match -- but we weren't done yet...oh no...there was still the Main Event yet to go!

Robby Starr had a shot at the MEWL Heavyweight Championship, held by Chris Kole. Kole started the match off with an odd request: a posedown contest, which soon progressed to a push-up contest, then a test of strength...and finally, a wrestling match that ended a little too abruptly when Kole left the ring, stating something about Starr cheating. When Kole came out of the back with his bags and headed for the door, this got him a chorus of boos and ended the match with a double count-out. Starr took the microphone and challenged Kole to a rematch for the title, and wanted a No-Dq match as well. Whether Kole accepted the match or not, we'll have to see...I'm sorry to say, but this match left me a little flat. To see a new champion's first title defense go like this, c'mon, Chris, you can do better, I've seen you do so.

So at the end of the night, old scores were settled, new vendettas born, and the saga of MEWL continues on.

Until next time, I'm the Reverend Rogue Six, and I'll see you at ringside.